Personal Diary 101

Every single time that I look at your pictures you know what I feel? I feel guilty & bad for not being able to help you anymore. I just feel sad. You know I really loved you I did my best to take care of you. You decided to leave I can't force you to stay. You can't accept my honesty. It's not that I cheat on you but you know I've been so obsessed to you. I want to always keep you doing good. It did hurt me. I'm not mad at you or hate you. Until this moment I still feel that I should be responsible for you.  Afiq, I sayang you sangat2. Dah 2 tahun I jaga you, I tolong you. Berat hati I nak biarkan you pergi tapi you dah buat keputusan you. I maafkan semua salah you. Buruk mana pun you I tetap akan ingat you pernah bahagiakan I. Buat I rasa special. You bagi perhatian dekat I. Memang tak dapat dinafikan pun lately ni I banyak fikir pasal you. Keadaan you tgh susah sekarang. I tak boleh terima kenapa jadi mcm ni dekat you. Kenapa family you tak tolong you. You ta...

After what he had done to me that night, I've started to feel that he doesn't even want me for the sake of love. I dah tak nampak masa depan kami berdua untuk hidup bersama sampai bila2. I tengah sedih, murung sepanjang hari dekat sini tapi dia langsung tak ambik tahu. I dah mula terfikir kenapa dia tak pernah ada effort nak datang visit I dekat sini even setakat naik train pun? Dia dah naik lemak ke sebab I yg selalu pergi visit dia bawak dia keluar apa semua. I pernah je pergi jumpa dia semata2 sebab dia cakap dia lapar takde transport nak keluar makan & cafe pulak semua tutup. I sanggup je pergi. It's not about who has the accommodation but it's still about effort. I rasa kalau harini I mampus sorang2 dalam bilik ni pun dia tak tahu. Sebab dia taknak ambik tahu pun I okay ke tak. He never notice whatever that say on twitter. He thinks I'm just babbling alone about some stupid shit. I will only deep talk on twitter when I am all alone and there's no one th...

Da da da da The smell of your skin lingers on me now You're probably on your flight back to your home town I need some shelter of my own protection, baby To be with myself and center Clarity, peace, serenity I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, myself and I We've got some straightenin' out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket But I've got to get a move on with my life It's time to be a big girl now And big girls don't cry Don't cry Don't cry Don't cry The path that I'm walking I must go alone I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown, full grown Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they? And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay I hope you know, I hope you know That this has nothing to do with you It's personal, myself and I We've got some straightenin' out to do And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blank...

The ugly truth about me again. I let myself to be fooled by your promises again & again. I let you dump me with your words. My fault again i gave you chance in hopes that you’ll change. But then again the same old you. You’ve been in your comfort zone for such a long time. No doubt you behave this way. No doubt become so spoiled. You can easily scold me for any reasons you want. How stupid i am :)

Maybe it’s already meant for me to always be ignored. Did nothing but I am ignored for no reason. I’m not gonna care too much about others anymore. I’m not gonna force anyone to always be there for me too. I’ve done so much of being kind to people. Just a small thing that made me being ignored? Guess what, I’m tired being the only one trying so hard to keep the conversation going. If it’s meant to be it will be, if it’s not I shall accept everything that is meant for me. Not being a priority anymore. Well it might be a sign. I’m just not a helpful person as what you expected.

I know that I should never compare my life with anyone else but now I’ve started to feel how dull is my uni life. Seeing my friends are all having a good bond between their coursemates & friends. Used to be in the same class with my boyfriend & yes they even treat me so good. It’s different with what I’m having now. No bonds & always excluded. I wish I’ll quit this place real quick. I just wanna go to other better place that I can make friends & have that normal uni life. Now my life is only about me being hectic with my task & study but I don’t have that time or space for a leisure time of me enjoying the student life. Kinda upset but maybe this was meant for me. Maybe next time I’ll have a better life.

It has not been so great or not so bad neither. I just had my early morning thoughts of I forgot how it feels of having a bestfriend and a good roommate. It has been 2-3 years ago since I last had both of them. Maybe I've gone to the wrong place where I can't seem to have much friends that I can hang out with. I don't expect people to pay attention on me but I do have my instinct of wanting to live normally like how other people do. Maybe there are people like me but they do have many virtual friends. I'm not really sure if I have a lot because most of the time I'm not even texting to anyone other than my boyfriend. I think I'm not gonna bother to make friends at my current place right now because non of them can suit me. Maybe a few might work but I just wanna have a break from taking care of someone's feeling. Somehow I only have another 2 semesters left which equals to 8 months. I wanna do something that I love & I just have to start making my own inc...